


Deleting Distractions

by mellod89



Series: Definitions Series [4]
Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Bad Coping Skills, Deleting Tumblr, F/M, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-12 02:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1181024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellod89/pseuds/mellod89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The emotional process of removing a coping mechanism.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deleting Distractions

**Author's Note:**

> WOOOO! So I've actually written something in what feels like forever. I'm supposed to be working on another project, but this one popped up after talking with seattlite09 and if either of us would delete our tumblrs in the future, and this idea demanded to be written. Wrote this in a couple of hours while sleep deprived so all mistakes are mine. Part of the Definitions series. It could take place in the same universe as Truth, Happiness, Lies, but it could be read as being it's own separate thing. Oh, I also don’t know what the actual process of deleting a tumblr is like other than the delete account button is at the bottom of the page, so if it’s wrong oh well. I refused to delete my blog to find out.

de•lete  
diˈlēt  
verb  
1\. 1.  
remove or obliterate (written or printed matter), esp. by drawing a line through it or marking it with a delete sign.

dis•trac•tion  
disˈtrakSHən  
noun  
1\. 1.  
a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else.  
"the company found passenger travel a distraction from the main business of moving freight"  
o 

2\. 2.  
extreme agitation of the mind or emotions.  
"he knew she was nervous by her uncharacteristic air of distraction"

“It’s time.”  
“I know.”  
“It’s been a full week.”  
“I know.”  
“You can do this.”  
“Sweets, I know.”  
“Sorry. I don’t mean to pressure you.”  
“I know.” I take a deep breath and sigh. I open the web browser on my computer and immediately go to Tumblr. I notice that the amount of mail in my ask box is the highest it’s ever been. I glance back at Tom in the kitchen, where he’s busy making a pot of tea, and catch his eyes, almost asking him for permission. He tilts his head as he walks over, stands behind the couch, and wraps his hands around my shoulders as he kisses my head.  
“You can if you want. I don’t want to make this harder on you than it already is.” He kisses me again, this time on the cheek, and then sits next to me, all the while making sure to keep some contact with my skin.  
I turn back to the computer, looking at the number and immediately click on it, curiosity getting the best of me. I look at the first message, and tears being to fill my eyes. I really hate to see you go. I absolutely love your blog. It’s the highlight of my day. It was anonymous, so I deleted it, knowing I couldn’t respond. I look at the next message from a familiar friend that I’d grown close to over the life of my blog. Hey! I know this is hard, but I’m so proud of you. Here’s my number if you need to chat! I write it down then message her back so that she has mine.  
As I go through my messages, I notice a pattern. Most of the anonymous ones were sad to see me go or they wanted a detailed reason why I was leaving. A few of those weren’t very nice. Tom would grip my hand tighter and whisper that they didn’t matter when we came across those. For the ones that weren’t anonymous, if I didn’t know them and they were positive, I responded to the best that I could. If they were negative, I deleted them immediately. Those that I did know, I made sure to record any contact info they gave as well as giving mine in return. By the time I was finished with my asks, I had completely molded myself to his side. I wanted to sit on his lap, but if I did that now, I wouldn’t be able to finish. I looked at the screen, pointer hovering over the settings symbol.  
“You can do this,” he whispers. “Trust me.”  
“I do,” and with that, I open the page, scroll down to the bottom, and click delete account. Are you sure pops up on my screen, and I pause. Am I sure?  
~____~____~  
Tom and I talked about it plenty of times. I told him that I needed it to cope, that it was my safe place. It didn’t bother him at first, but then there would be days where I would shut myself away, refusing to speak to anyone. After those days, he would ask me what was wrong, and I’d reply, “Nothing. I was just on tumblr.” He knew I was lying by how fast I would change the subject, but he learned that pushing me to speak before I was ready only ended in an argument. Worst yet were the days when I would run to him in tears. As soon as I calmed down enough to speak, he’d ask what happened, and all I could respond was tumblr. He couldn’t understand why I needed a website to cope when half the time I was on it, it lead to sleepless nights, frustration, and tears.  
“Why can’t you just confide in me? It’s what I’m here for. Or do you not trust me?”  
I pause. “I don’t know.”  
On those kinds of nights we both ended up in tears. I wanted to make him my everything, but I was so scared. He could leave me at any minute, everyone always has. Tumblr was my only constant. If I let go of that and he left me too, what would I have left. Nothing. My mind would viciously whisper. So I clung to my habits all the while wishing I could just cling to him.  
On another night where tumblr left me high and dry, he whispered to me as I curled up in his arms, “You’ve got to stop doing this.”  
“I can’t,” I sobbed. “I don’t know how.”  
“Then we’ll figure it out together because I hate seeing you like this. It hurts knowing that the very thing that’s helping you is hurting you.”  
From then on, I slowly let him in. I found the courage to show him my inner sanctum. He saw everything. My likes, my dislikes, my problems. Everything that I can’t say out loud. Once I’m comfortable with that, I show him my dashboard, which he vowed never to see again because his eyes were assaulted by some salacious ereri art. I would giggle at the funny faces he made when he came across strange jokes or pictures, but I’d go quiet when he came across something triggering. Each time I showed him something new, we talked about it, especially when I’d made a personal post. With every post I showed him, I breathed a little easier, I cried a little less, and I talked to him more. I was beginning to place my full trust in him, and I made a vow to myself. One day, when I was ready, I would delete my blog not because I had to, but because I no longer needed it because Tom was enough for me and that I trusted him with my whole heart and no longer needed to rely on the faceless people on the internet to make me feel better when I had all I needed at home.  
When I finally got the courage to tell him that I wanted to one day be able to delete my blog, he paused, body going still.  
“Are you sure? I know that you use it for more than just coping. I mean how will you keep up with all of you fandoms?” He searched my face, curious as to why I’d suggest something like this. “I’m perfectly fine with you keeping it. I just need you to talk to me more, and you are.”  
“Sweets, there are other ways; other sites that I can go to. I just want to show you and myself that I don’t need tumblr to get me through things anymore. I have you. I trust you.”  
“Are you sure?”  
~____~____~  
Are you sure? That haunting question sits before my eyes.  
Yes. I say to myself, and I click ok. It’s done. My blog is gone for good.  
“I’m so proud of you,” he says into my hair. I set my computer down on the coffee table, allowing me to snuggle further into his body.  
“I’m proud of me too,” I mummer into his chest. “What do I do now?” I look up at his face.  
“Trust that everything will be fine, and when it’s not, you come to me, and I’ll help you in any way I can to fix it.” And I do. We hear the whistle from the kitchen.  
“Tea’s done. Would you like a cup,” he asks as he unwinds his body from mine.  
“Sure,” I smile weakly in response.  
“I think this moment warrants your favorite cinnamon orange spiced. That sound good?”  
“That sounds lovely.” To be honest, I really don’t care what he gives me. I just need him to keep talking to distract me because in reality, that’s a tumblr was: a distraction. Now, all I have is him to keep my focus and I couldn’t be any more happy or scared than I am right now. He hands me my cup, and I close my eyes breathing in the familiar scent. I open them and look at his face as he turns on the tv.  
“Looks like The Mummy Returns is on. Want to watch that?” He wraps his arms around me and I burrowed into his side.  
“Sure.” I know I’ve made the right decision.  
“Ooo! This is my favorite part.” Rick and Imhotep cling to the crack in the floor while their loved ones look on. Evy rushes to Rick’s side, pulling him over the ledge. Imhotep calls out to Anck-su-namun, but she runs, leaving him to die. “Ugh, how can you do that to someone you claim to love?” He turns to look at me.  
“I have no idea.”  
“I could never do something like that to you,” and in that moment I know it to be true. I trust him fully and completely.  
“Neither could I.” I kiss him on the cheek.  
“And what was that for?”  
“I trust you.” I smile. “Now shh, she’s about to fall into the beetles.” He rolls his eyes, and I know that’s enough to keep me distracted from myself.

**Author's Note:**

> So I’m not quite happy with how it ended because I felt that I rambled a bit, but I wanted to show how they were moving past such a monumental step in her life by doing something mundane. Life moves on after the big choices we make. Yes, I mentioned ereri. It’s a ship I sail get over it. I also mentioned one of my all-time favorite movie sequels The Mummy Returns. If you’ve note seen it or The Mummy you need to. Right now. That’s an order. Anyway, I felt that part in the movie very much reflects the changes in the couple’s relationship, so I felt that it was a nice little moment to include.


End file.
